..my myyy things have changed a little since we last chatted. well this year was defffiniittellly a rough one, but i'm still alive. fall semester was all over the place. i was sick all the time, had bronchitis twice, some sort of tonsilitis a few times, larygitis right before juries and anything else in between. i had a jam packed schedule with a million instruments to learn, including chorale which was such an undertaking. we performed carmina burana with the nj symphony orchestra which was an incredible performing experience, but a tremendous stressor. we had a group of russian students working with us that also gave a joint concert with university singers a week before carmina. it was a lot of music in not a lot of time and it was utterly exhausting. so much so that i feel like i still was recovering in spring semester. i was so sick that i couldn't sing in the winter singers concert. it was upsetting, but i had to do what was best for me. which is probably the most important thing i've learned this year. i need to do what's best for me. i've stressed myself out so much over such trivial things, to the point of being sick, for far too long. i've continued removing negative people from my life because i don't need them. some of the friends that i've only had for a short while have proven far beyond more amazing and necessary to my life that some who have been around a little longer. it doesn't matter how long you've been in my life, but how much you make it a point to actually be active in my life. i'm tired of fighting losing battles over and over like a broken record. it doesn't make it easier, and i still get upset, but i can't stress about it anymore. spring semester proved to be even more trying than the fall but it allowed for some really great things to happen towards the end. i spent this last semester a little burnt out. burnt out from all sorts of things, most especially school. four years of working and working and i still am not graduating yet. i don't regret changing my major, because i get to do what i love everyday and i know not enough people in this world get to do that. it was very difficult for me to want to do anything productive, i procrastinated like never before and had my share of mini mental breakdowns. i've cried A LOT this year. but somehow, i persevered. the biggest letdown (at first) this whole year was a phone call i received about a week before school ended. it was from the choral director telling me that i wouldn't be in university singers this upcoming school year. i was absolutely devasted. i worked so hard to get into that group, and once i was in continued to always work hard and it seemed to never pay off. so there i was after just seeing two friends do an awesome job in a show, standing outside of fox and i'm on the phone listening to her tell me that she was concerned about my overall mental health and that i needed time for me. but then she also said that she needed to make room in the group for new students to get the experience. i felt like an old toy that got replaced by the shiny new one at christmas. one that was good at the time, but is rusty and not full of spark anymore. it was very hard to swallow. i cried for days. but after talking about it with different people i realized that my life will probably be easier without it. i will have a more free schedule which gives me the time in need to prepare for my senior recital which won't be for a year, but there is plenty of music to start learning now. i can practice piano, and get work done for my education classes that start in the fall, and finally just have a little extra breathing room. i also learned how to say no. originally when i found out i wasn't going to be in singers, i asked if i could continue to be section leader in chorale, a job i've loyally done for two years, and one i also worked hard to get. she agreed, until i received an email from her a few weeks into the summer offering me the assistant section leader position. assistant. as if that didn't add to level of self doubt i was facing. so i said no. i said no politely and diplomatically, but deep down i was so hurt. but once again, trying to view things on a more positive side, i took it a sign. now i only have to show up, sing and leave. no attendance, no room set up, no rosters, no bus seating charts for when we go to njpac again this year. i feel like it will let me fully enjoy choir again, like i did when it wasn't a requirement and an obligation. i got a job at a church as a section leader for their soprano II section in the middle of the semester and it turned out to be a really rewarding experience. though since high school i don't think of myself as very religious, i've still remained spiritual and really found a special place at the church that i will be working at again in the fall. not to mention, it's pretty good pay for only 2 days a week! i also was very lucky to get a gig at a piano bar friday nights during may and got to sing four songs every week. i didn't get paid much, but it was still great to just go up and do my thing every week. i even was asked for my info for future engagements which is always a plus.

at the moment, i'm recovering from getting my tonsils and adenoids out on wednesday. for some reason the difference of recovery time between a child and an adult is TREMENDOUS. i'm still in a lot of pain, can't really eat much, and can't really talk. but i know that this will be beneficial in the long run, and hopefully it will help me to not get sick so much. which will be awesome. i'm also preparing to move to clifton in july with sam and kristen. i'm excited to have a real apt, and it's close to school which is also great. i've gotten so attached to that area, especially over the last year. commuting up there on the weekends in may for the piano bar and church allowed me some extra time to see friends up there and it was harder to leave every week. i still have a few really close friends at home, but my life and spirit are up there. they have been for a while. i'm going to be 22 in august, which is crazy, and i finally feel like i'm living. i mean i've always been social and doing things but i feel like i've always been doing things for the sake of other people, and not that i try to impress, but i know i try to make others happy before myself. and for the first time i really think that i'm on the road to happiness. i hope it's pink.

hello friends! well it's now the 3rd of july (summer's half over already, when did this happen?) and i am still jobless. it sucks. i didnt do a show this summer mainly so i could work a lot and save money. this did not happen..ugh. i still have a few last resorts that will hopefully work out in my favor. we'll see.

in other news, i really miss school. i enjoy my friends from home, but there's this void without people from school. the void has grown bigger every summer, especially this one.

however, there are still summer things to be excited for, aka my 21st birthday. yes. i can't wait.


that's all for now.

I saw Mary Poppins in NYC on Tuesday...and it was magical haha. I thoroughly enjoyed it.


I love summer. I hate mosquitos.

I want to be Patti LuPone. That's all.

ah, sweet summer. the heat sure is up in new jersey.

haven't updated in quite some time. russia was an incredible experience; we met some amazing students at the conservatory, we had some pretty spectacular concerts, and we definitely were on sensory overload from all the sightseeing. the architecture and art there is just breathtaking. i really could just talk for hours about it. i'm so glad i was able to go.

in other news, i'm still searching for a damn summer job. it's been a relentless search with no luck yet. ugh. hopefully i'll find something soon. i really need to make and save some money.

i can't believe i've already got 3 years of college under my belt...unfortunately i still have another 3 to go. not that i'm not still happy about switching to music, because i'd rather be in school longer than graduate miserable...but it's going to be weird watching a lot of my close friends graduate before me rather than with me. speaking of graduations, it almost feels like decades ago that i graduated high school. i see all the cars with the glass chalk in the parking lots, the invitations to grad parties flying around, the anticipation of all the graduates just waiting to get the hell out and move on to better things. and boy is college better. i really do love it.

but for now, i'm glad to relax a bit and enjoy the summer. i made a slammin summer playlist for my ipod. yes, i just used the word 'slammin'. i turn 21 in a little over 2 months! it's crazy. i'm super excited. so here's to long, sunny days and cooler, late nights filled with friends, laughs and memories to come.

So I haven't updated this thing in forever! School has just been insane this semester. Good, but insane. Concerts and recitals up the wazoo! I'm now the unofficial hair & makeup stylist for operas and recitals throughout the dept. It's fun but sometimes quite tiring. I'm going to Russia with the University Singers in less than 3 weeks. That's just ridiculous. Russia. We're going to Moscow and St. Petersburg...and while in St. Petersburg we've just been asked by the US Ambassador to sing at this Imperial Garden Festival thing, representing the US; there's like 17 other countries participating. (That's in addition to our other 3 concerts while we're there) We're visiting the Moscow Conservatory and singing in Rachmaninoff Hall... which if you don't know much about music...it's like one of the most prestigious musical places IN THE WORLD. I'm pretty excited. The music school here is growing so much, and it's really cool to be a part of it.

I really want to go home though...I haven't been home since spring break.. I miss my mom. So I'm going home next Thursday-Sun...back up to school for finals Monday and Tuesday...and then home for a week. Des walks in graduation on the 20th and we leave the 21st.


I need to find a good paying job for summer...any ideas?

Seriously. I have a new injury to add to my list: a skull contusion. Yep, I have a bruised skull. How, you might ask? As I was getting a bag out of the trunk, the hatch slammed on top of my head. Hurt like a bitch, causing dizziness and nausea. So I went to the ER, and got a CT scan to make sure there wasn't any like brain bleeding or crazy something going on...so there was none of that. But damn does it hurt.

Public Purposes of Education A
Applied Music A
Diction A
Choir A
Chamber Singers A
Collegium A-
Theory A-
Strings A-
Intro to Music Ed B+
Piano B+
Aural Skills B

GPA for the sem: 3.713
Cumulative GPA: 3.266....which means my scholarship is completely safe. =D


Rock on.

So here we are again at another Christmas. I can't believe another year is coming to an end. And what a year it has been. I think about all that has happened in the last 12 months and it's hard to imagine it as just months...when some things feel like years. 2007 was a year of loss, change, growth, disappointment, tears, laughter, and renovation. Two huge losses: Rick McMahon and Uncle Jerry. Though only one was biological family, it was definitely the loss of two family members. February marks the full year since Rick passed away, I still can't believe he's gone. And the holidays this year lacked a little bit of luster without Uncle Jerry. Thanksgiving was very different; calmer and more reserved. Christmas was really nice today but it's still hard to think that he's not here anymore. Every year when we decorate for Christmas we put most of the pictures away in the living room to make room for my mom's hundreds of snowmen...and the tons of other decorations. This year we left one table for Uncle Jerry, placing family pictures and pictures of him surrounded by any angel figurines we had...it just seemed fitting. I get sad looking at the pictures sometimes, but smile because I know that I was lucky enough to have someone like him in my life. If there's one thing I'm thankful for in this life, it's my family. They may be crazy, they may drive me crazy, but they're supportive and loving and I know I'm not alone. My friends mean so much to me as well, though there were fallings in and out of a few close friends this year that left me hurt and broken. Then again I got through it and made out okay. Disappointment. Life was so full of it this year. The new year began in disappointment. I failed a class, and got a D in another. First time ever. I never felt so lost. Second semester I didn't even feel like a human at times. I didn't know what I wanted out of school, I was hurting from a friendship hurtling itself into the ground, and then Rick passed away. I just couldn't seem to find that light at the end of the tunnel. But through the second half of the semester, with the help of some amazing friends, I managed to make it through okay. I reauditioned and got in to the school of music, which was a huge accomplishment. I'll be in school forever, but I just know I'm supposed to be doing music. Then came summer...and the sense of accomplishment would soon turn into disappointment once again. Jekyll and Hyde wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, but I can't say it was all a waste, I met some amazing people and got even closer to some I already knew (coughstephandmarybyattcough), but it was still frustrating. And then at the end of all that, for Uncle Jerry to be in a coma for three weeks and then pass away just took away the rest of whatever I had left in me. Starting in the fall as a junior with a new major wasn't exactly easy. There were days with a lot of tears, but days with a lot of laughter. I can't even express my gratitude for two of my friends up at school that have been there and supported me through God knows what, and provided a good majority of the laughter..even if they drive me crazy. But toward the closing of the semester I see how far I've come, and how much I've grown, and look forward to growing more not only musically but as a friend, and person. So maybe 2008 will be better...maybe it won't. Here's hoping.

Well I officially finished my first semester as a music major! And while it was intense, and frustrating and I barely slept...it was great. I had some rough times this semester, between the flood and stupid shit at school...but all in all, I laughed a lot and had some really good times. It's really nice to be home, considering I came home like 4 times this whole semester..and I'm definitely looking forward to the time off.

Wishing everyone a very happy, healthy and safe holiday season!! =D

life is crazy.

Strings isn't so bad...I can sort of play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...and Theory is actually almost making sense! Awesome..Mondays and Wednesdays aren't so bad anymore. haha.

Classes are continuing to go well. I found out I don't have to take that music computers class, so I decided to drop it. I'm still carrying 15.5 credits, and I just think it's one less frustration I need in my life. I dunno what it is, but everytime I seem to get one thing in my life stablized, five million things go haywire. I'm frustrated with a few things that I don't know how to approach. I'm working on it though.

I'm excited for Kaleidoscope...it's one of my favorite concerts to watch, and I'll actually be in it this year. So that's next weekend. As much as it's a challenge to learn so much music so quickly...I enjoy it so much more than trying to figure out how to take a derivative or something. Yay music. haha. Voice lessons are going pretty well too, I've made some major improvements just in the last 3 weeks alone.

Halloween is coming up! Hands down one of the best holidays. I have a pretty sweet costume idea in mind...so hopefully that works out! And then right before Halloween I'm getting headshots taken in NYC with this guy: www.marcblackwellphotography.com ...that's also very exciting. So a lot is coming up that should be interesting. I'm certainly a busy little bee.


And...that's all folks.

I need 2 extra hours in every day. I swear if days were 26 hours long...I could do everything I'm doing and still get 8 solid hours of sleep every night. I haven't gotten more than 6 like once and I'm certainly starting to feel it. I hate my music computers and technology course...it's just dreadful...and having it as my first class on Tuesdays and Thursdays makes it hard for me to start my day well. Mondays and Wednesdays have turned into "Days full of things I suck at"... Strings and then Theory/Aural Skills. I mean I never expected I'd figure out violin immediately, but I'm starting to have some serious issues with it. When I took theory in high school it made sense, I picked it up quickly and was making things work in finale with intervals and chord progressions and life was happy. Now I don't know what the fuck this guy is ever talking about...he talks in the biggest circles known to man. I mean with a name like Sophocles...it really is all Greek to me. I probably just need to sit down and figure things out differently, however by the time I get back to the apt everyday I'm just so beat. It's still early in the semester, but I'm afraid to fall behind too much too quickly because then it will be even more difficult to catch up.

On a positive note, mostly everything else seems to be going fairly well. I'm actually kind of glad I'm not in the opera now, because I feel like it would have burnt me out way too much. I can't afford to do poorly at all this semester, so I think it will work out for the better.

First...YAY DES IS GRADUATING! My sister, for those of you who don't know, has had a shitty time getting her stupid college to let her graduate...and she can now! I'm happy.

Mom was in the hospital this week...for some crazy spazm thing? I dunno...whatever it was, there's a cure for and she's on her way to recovering from it. It was still a big scare and it was hard to deal with being 2 hours away from home. But I'm going home for the night tomorrow to see Little Shop...and then hopefully next weekend I can drive down to see Steph in Footloose because I love her and miss her.

School is absolutely amazing. The apartment is fabulous and we laugh 24/7...I'm just so happy. It's good to be back at school. The new major is great. Hard and busy as hell, but definitely a million times worth it. Even if I do have class most days from 8 am till either 6 or 8 pm. Good times. I didn't get into the opera which was a little disappointing, but I might do this vocal jazz choir thing if my voice teacher thinks it's a good idea. Speaking of which, she is friggen great. So yeah things are pretty sweet. Singers is going to Russia in May- I'm so psyched. Our music is so cool too. I think it's going to be a wonderful year. I have a lot of big plans and goals.

So this past week was quite rough and very hard to deal with at times. I never thought in September that the same pew I occupied at my cousin Jason's wedding would be the same pew I sat in at my uncle's funeral nearly a year later. It was almost surreal. To witness the pain of my 90 year old grandmother as she wept for her son was heart-wrenching. Seeing my cousin Jason so angry, the sadness in Jerry and Danielle's eyes too. Knowing how devastated my dad and his twin brother are because their big brother isn't here anymore. And through it all I watched in admiration as my aunt had this peaceful grace about her. She said to me that she really couldn't be sad because every moment she spent with my uncle had been so happy that she had no regrets. She reminded me just how big and supportive the family is and that anyone who meant something to my uncle lived life knowing it, and that there should be no doubt in our minds as to the extent of his love for us. At the viewing, along with the usual collages of photographs, sat a small photo album with a picture of a corvette on it that said "Dreams come true!". Inside were pictures from a few Christmases ago when Jason surprised my uncle with the same model 1961 corvette that my uncle had when he was younger. In the last few pages of the album was the story about the corvette. My uncle had bought it during college, going to school at night, working during the day. He was so excited that he was able to get this car right from the showroom and it was his greatest possession. But he sold it, in order to buy an engagement ring for my aunt. Well my cousin Jason always loved hearing the story and he thought that it would be a great surprise if he could give the car back for my uncle's 61st birthday. Well the 61st birthday came and went but Jason had no luck in finding the perfect car. However a few years later he found one in NC just in time for Christmas. My uncle was on the news that year, because Channel 6 asked for viewers to send in their best gifts and my aunt sent the whole story and hours later the news station was at their house. Moral of the story: if there's something you want to do for someone- do it.

It was weird to make the transition from all that grief into celebration of my birthday. I almost felt guilty, but I know that Uncle Jerry would never want that. So I set out on adventure to create a ridiculous cake, and I successfully made a tiered princess castle cake which came out fabulous if I do say so myself. And it was wonderful to be surrounded by loving friends full of laughter and happiness while talking, playing Cranium and being entertained by my crazy mother. And now as my summer dwindles, I still have some things to get for school, a couple day trips to make, and just a few days of much needed relaxation.

I got my scholarship back!! Finally..a little good news in all this mess.

So..they took my uncle off the respirator..because he's pretty much brain dead and there's no chance of him coming back. It's really sad. I know Dad has been a mess..and I've never seen him so upset. It sucks..a whole lot. I don't really know what else to say about it. I mean it's there. And it makes me upset. But it's life, and shit like this always happens to the best people. I just feel like I couldn't even really be there at the hospital because of the show, and I wish I could've been in two places at once. But then again, I did at least make it there once.

=/

Well..a lot can happen in two weeks' time.

Good things:

+Saw Harry Potter OoTP. Read the new book. Also anticipating the 3rd annual HP party with Kayla and Steph. Yay Harry Potter.
+Got to see some friends from school two weekends ago, and then saw Sam last weekend. We got a ton of stuff for our apt. so I'm excited.
+IKEA is an amazing place. You should all go.
+The show has improved a lot...I think I'm starting to get a little excited for opening night Wed.
+Saw the younger ones in Cinderella and they kicked ass.
+In the process of buying Vince's keyboard from him.

Not so good things:
-Speeding ticket. 4 hours in court and a nice $339 ticket to avoid the points.
-Right now I don't have my scholarship. I'm in the middle of an appeal right now and hopefully things will work out in my favor.
-My dad's older brother is in a coma after a heart attack. Keep us in your thoughts if you can.

Thankfully the good seems to be outweighing the bad. And that's life.